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Sunday, June 21, 2009

Dream interrupted

So I had this dream. Not a sleepytime dream where I'm chased by mannequins, but a dream for my life. A dream for my future.

I was going to finish my Master of Arts in Education; I was going to change people's lives by helping them with their education.

But I'm the one who needs the help!

I am two and a half classes away from finishing my Masters, but I have lost the motivation to continue. The thing is I still want to finish. I really, truly want to earn that degree! I just can't seem to find the will to pull myself up and finish it.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just fooling myself into thinking I can finish it. Every day I think I couldn't feel any worse, and the following day proves me wrong. 

Maybe it's that so many things have gone wrong that I live in constant anxiety of the next anvil to drop on me. Maybe my subconscious is telling me if I drop out of school now, it will be something I chose to do and not just something else screwed up that happened to me because of my own bad luck. Maybe I just don't want to have to worry about having to write research papers, action research projects, team projects, etc. Maybe I have too much to worry about right now that school has to be put way for now and revisited sometime in the future. Maybe I'm just talking myself into dropping out.

But it's not something I want to do. I'm wondering if, at this point in my life, it's something I really do have control over.  It's not like I have control of anything else that has happened to me!

I know what you're thinking, Mom! We have control over how we react to things. We have control over what we do. But I think this deep, dark depression I've fallen into because of the constant, unrelenting pain has taken my control away from me. I don't want to live like my grandmother did (she also had FMS, among other conditions). Every year she would tell the family she wouldn't make it 'til Christmas. She lived her life waiting to die. As much as I don't want to fall into that line of thinking, I now know exactly where she was coming from. The chronic pain and depression can eat into your very core, your very being, like thermite. Your hopes, dreams, intentions, and control over your own life quickly melts away like snow in the desert sun.

Yep, I like those analogies. However, I truly hate that they can even remotely apply to me. Me, the once-type A personality; the straight-A, self-entitled "professional college student" with nearly 200 college credit hours under her belt; the one who was debating on which degree to pursue for a second Masters degree. Can that be me again? I would like it to be. She was a force to be reckoned with, and she was fun (and incredibly funny - just ask anyone!). I wonder where she went?

Will this new me allow me to fulfill my dreams? Maybe if I ask nicely...

Gentle hugs to all,
Jessica

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