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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Small Successes and Epic Failures

It's been a while since I have written, but it's been a while since I have done anything. So it all evens out.

My pain levels have been an absolute rollercoaster. One minute I'm ok, the next I'm squirming and moaning in pain. It should be noted that I have stopped taking narcotic pain killers. I'll have a low-dose Vicodin when the pain gets to be too much, but that seems to only be happening once every two or three days and it's very rare that I would have to take more than one in a day.

I guess it's a good thing to reduce the narcotic intake from 4 times a day to a minute dose every two or three days. At least now I know which pain was actually opioid-induced hyperalgesia.

Another change in my medication in an increase in Zanaflex and Neurontin. I now take Zanaflex 4x a day like clockwork and my doctor has increased my Neurontin to 800mg 4x a day, for a total of 3200 mg a day, again, like clockwork. I still have to have alarms set on my phone to remind me when to take a dose.

This medication seems to be working well, as my good moments are getting longer. But, then, I try to do something stupid like the dishes or the laundry (or both) and I end up in bed squirming and moaning again - and not in a good way. I seem to have perfected the push-crash cycle. I push-push-push-push, then crash hard. Pacing is always something I have needed to work on.

Another update in my life is that I'm considering going back to school. I don't know that I'll be doing the online modality again, as I just don't have the discipline to keep up with the coursework when left to my own devices. But, will I have the discipline and the spoons to physically attend class a couple days out of the week? I'd like to try, honestly. Because no matter what else I have accomplished, no matter what else I went through in life and survived, not finishing my Master's degree makes me feel like a complete failure. And failure has always been my greatest fear.

Which brings me to another failure - everything else. It looks like I may lose my house that I've lived in for 9 years, and there is a good possibility that I may lose my car. I'm struggling to keep the utilities on and paying for my medication out of pocket because I don't have health insurance. I'm not sure what to do at this point except ask my BFF if she would consider rooming with me (and son, until he leaves for college). She wanted to start looking for a new place for herself to live this month. If we pool our resources, maybe we can get a moderately nice house together. Otherwise, I'm going to be forced to move in with my step-mother. After all, I own 1/6 of the house she's living in (and I'm sure my brothers won't mind me taking up their portions). But I really don't like my step-mother, so that's the last resort. I wonder if I can sell the house before it forecloses? That would be bonus. Anybody who knows anything about any of this kind of stuff, please give me some pointers.

So those are my small successes and epic failures that I've been dealing with since my last post. Maybe now that I've gotten it all off my chest, I can finally sleep again.

Gentle hugs and keep on rolling,

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