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Friday, April 17, 2009

Defeated

This week has not been kind to me, to say the least.  I feel I'm slipping deeper and deeper into the "pit of despair" (Princess Bride reference, to be said with a raspy voice).  There is so much I have to do, but I do not have the energy or desire to do any of it anymore.

My Momma keeps telling me that being disabled is a full-time job.  She is absolutely right, but the pay is lousy!

Since I have been out of work on medical leave, I have applied for Social Security disability benefits and SSI (did you know you could get both if approved?), I have accepted a piddly sum as settlement for the car accident that caused me to be in so much pain (FYI - two years of pain and suffering, and a projected lifetime of the same, is worth about $8000), I have fought with my insurance company over whether or not I was actually covered (payed for extended benefits through COBRA and they insisted for weeks that I was not insured), and have done countless other things, most of which I cannot remember, to include re-evaluating my life completely.  Did I mention I'm also still working on my graduate degree?

I have requested countless forms to be completed by my doctor for the purpose of short-term disability, "extended" medical leave, FMLA, State assistance, Social Security, exclusion from jury duty (I was approved for a lifetime exclusion - it can be done!!), and God only knows what else.  I can't tell you how many trees were killed during this process, but I won't accept responsibility for their deaths!

There were days when I spent literally hours on the phone with one agency or another, just trying to get help - financial, medical, whatever.  The $8000 is completely gone, as I had to pay for COBRA, get caught up on my car and mortgage payments, and pay for my medication out of pocket (EXPENSIVE!) until my insurance company decided I was covered.  I really need to submit for reimbursements!

The thing is, I don't care anymore.  Maybe it's only that this week has beaten me down (on top of everything else, my refrigerator died - I need a new compressor and don't have the money to get it fixed).  I may wake up tomorrow and feel a new fight building deep down inside of me, but today I just want to curl up into a fetal position (which I can't because it would hurt) and sleep until everything is back to normal again.  I don't want to call my insurance company (who is stating I am, once again, not covered); I don't want to work on my classwork or homework, despite the needed distraction from my life; I don't want to do anything.  Nothing.  

Well, that's not necessarily true.  I want to have a temper tantrum.  An all-out, screaming, stomping, throwing things, kicking things, gut-wrenching hissy fit.  I want to feel something besides the pain.  I want to feel the anger, the passion, the fight - something that will get my blood boiling to the point that I want to get up and act in self-preservation, something that will make me feel anything other that complete defeat.

I wanna get me a little oblivion, baby 
And try to keep myself away from myself and me
 

 - Counting Crows, "Perfect Blue Buildings
From August and Everything After

This is just my rant for today. I'm exhausted, hurting, and don't want to play anymore. I promise that not all posts will consist of my whining about how much this sucks.  Maybe some, however. I know I am not alone in my feelings, but I feel completely and utterly alone in everything else right now.

I keep hearing that things will get better.  My only question is: How?

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